‘The Way I Used to Be’ – Amber Smith

The Way I Used to Be

 

The image on the cover of this novel perfectly sums up the experience of the main character, Eden. It also captures perfectly one of the only moments in the novel – though she doesn’t see this until much later – when she is happy.

I think the first thing to say is that this is a book that will divide opinion. The subject matter is not going to appeal to everyone, but for me this is one of those books that you really have to make yourself read.

While some reviewers have commented on the fact that this doesn’t add anything new to books about rape, I’d argue that it shouldn’t have to. Every survivor of rape will have a different story to tell; every survivor of rape will react differently and the outcome for each will be very different. Why should a writer feel compelled to add something new to the mix?

Putting that view aside, I think the structuring of this novel is what most intrigued me about the book. We start with the night of the rape, and there is no easing us in gently to the horror. Like Eden, we are abruptly forced into a position from which we cannot escape. I was appalled, yet horribly resigned, to the way in which she reacted in the immediate aftermath of her attack. It revealed a lot about her as a character, and the relationships that she had with her family and her attacker.

As I read the opening section which focuses on Eden at 14, I felt so angry on her behalf. I reacted very emotionally to this character, wanting her to have that all-important person to reach out to who would believe her when she told them what had happened. Unfortunately, Eden keeps quiet…and nobody seems to notice quite enough to go beyond the surface attempt to convince everyone she’s okay.

The novel is split into four distinct parts, each focusing on a different year in school. As time progresses, we see Eden more and more damaged by her experience. She finds her coping mechanism. Unfortunately, this also brings with it further problems, as she gains a reputation for being a slut amongst her peers. For this portrayal of high school alone I think the novel is worth reading.

The novel’s strength – taking us through Eden’s reaction over a prolonged period of time – is also its weakness. There are many events glossed over or ignored, but I found this a fairly minor issue.

All in all, I had a very emotional reaction to this novel. It didn’t have quite the ‘killer touch’ of Louise O’Neill’s ‘Asking For It’ but it packs a pretty hefty punch that will certainly get people talking.